Innermost Thought

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October 01, 2002

The Subject was Personal

The Subject was Personal

I was talking to a colleague of mine this week. He spent a year experimenting with the Personals and came away with some really wild stories and over 100 dates for coffee, cocktails, dinner and the like. My favorite story (that he told me) had to do with a midget who described herself as "petite". Apparently there are some wacky truth in advertising rules in Personals World. I have a few friends who are on some online dating services. They seem to enjoy the process, though one friend calls her service "www.fatuglyandjobless.com". I think she is just being playful. She still maintains the service and is currently courting some guy who is really into puppies and karate for kids. I myself have never quite had the guts to put myself on the block so to speak. But this is my "Fall of frivously dating" and I find myself eager for my own wild stories about midgets and fat, ugly, jobless men. So I think I am going to do it. Enter the world of the online personals. Perhaps my friends and I can form a support group or the stranger-dating equivalent of a book club. "This month's selection will be..."

My Frivolous Fall Dating Season has taught me a few things about the qualities I need in a date. There are certain things I have discovered are necessary for me to maintain more than a passing interest in someone. Without those pivotal attributes, I find myself frustrated and disappointed. The Dealbreakers. Everyone has their own dealbreakers. My dealbreakers have quite surprised me. I have always considered myself a laidback person with regard to dating. I once dated a guy who submitted to me a profile of who he was and what he was looking for in a woman. Stuff like "listens to jazz and will under no circumstances eat steak with ketchup." I have also dated a man so laidback, he would insist I pick everything. "what do you want to do?" "I don't care, what do YOU want to do" And so on and so on. I like to think I am somewhere between the two. I am unconcerned with archaic and preconceived notions of gender responsibility in the dating scene; or at least I used to think I was unconcerned. Maybe it's my Southern background, but there are certain aspects of dating where attention must be paid. To my surprise, my biggest dealbreaker is manners. There are guidelines about who to contact and how, and generosity and gentility that are lost in today's culture. Or is it just New York? Ask any single New Yorker and they will swear that the dating scene is different here. It's the cruelest kind of urban jungle with a kill or be killed mentality. You either stand your ground and get your due or you get stomped on. I have tried to suppress that kind of thinking but given my own limited personal experiences maybe there is some truth to that mentality.

A few weeks ago as I and a friend were picnic-ing in Central Park a middle-aged woman with flaming red hair came to sit next to us and show us her beaded jewelry for sale. Her name is Munda. As she displayed her wares of chokers, necklaces, anklets, earrings, and hair baubles she told us about the time she was introduced to John Lennon by a mutual friend, Salvador Dali. We talked about men and dating. She was definitely from the North and of the culture where a woman was expected to catch a man. Rope him in with alternate doses of feminine wiles and cold shoulders. I had just gone on a date with a man who had, as of 10 days, yet to contact me. She asked me if he paid for everything. I said no. He bought me a lovely dinner after which we each took turns buying rounds of drinks throughout the rest if the evening. I told her I didn't feel it appropriate for the guy to pay for everything. I am a generous person too. And I don't go out with men for a free ride; I go because I enjoy their company. She railed, "Never pay for anything. The man always pays. Otherwise, he will lose interest. Men like to feel they are getting something...and never, NEVER, sleep with them until they say they love you." I put up a valiant argument against such notions. Especially the last one. After all, I have needs. Munda said if you sleep with them before they say they love you, they will think you can be had by anybody and will wonder who else you are sleeping with. What can I say? Munda is old school. But there is a part of me that wonders if maybe she is right. I am usually pretty laidback with dating and it seems to me that the guys I have dated in the past seemed to take that laidback-ness as far as it would go. Too far.

We all have sob stories that play like a number one country song. I am no different. And yet, I am not ready to believe the worst. I am unwilling look at the dating game as survival of the fittest or "huntin' season". I don't necessarily know how to snag the right kind of man or how to marry that ever elusive doctor or lawyer. To be sure. I'm not even sure I want a doctor or lawyer. What I do know is, whatever he does for a living, however much money he makes or doesn't make, or whatever his political affiliations, the man for me must be genteel and generous with his time, energy and in the way he lives his life. Because the lack of those two attributes, gentility and generosity, are definitely Dealbreakers.

Posted by mermu at October 1, 2002 12:15 AM

Comments

Posted by: Mezey Jennifer at January 10, 2004 01:55 AM

Posted by: Richman Hannah at December 21, 2003 01:29 AM

Posted by: Tenzer Heather at December 10, 2003 10:47 PM

Posted by: at October 8, 2002 10:21 PM

Posted by: mom at October 1, 2002 11:18 PM

Posted by: Patrick at October 1, 2002 03:35 PM

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